I am scared of my baby.

I recently googled ‘My baby scares me’ and a bunch of stuff on paranormal activity and ‘why having a 2nd child is scary’ came up. Now this was totally not what I was hoping to find, so I guess I’ll just blog about it here to let it all out…

So it’s Day 46 since Aidan was born and my confession is I’m scared of him. Like totally petrified. It doesn’t help that googling this topic didn’t yield too many results, so now I feel like I’m totally the only one feeling this way?! Eeeep!

Obviously I’m not scared of him because he can levitate whilst his neck rotates 360◦ or anything creepy like that, but the thought of being alone with him, just the two of us (without a grown up around) is enough to send me hyperventilating into an anxiety attack.

Since the day he was born we have been lucky enough to have a flurry of willing grown-ups who knew what they were doing, helping us. But since then my mum had to leave after a week with us, my confinement lady completed her tenure with us and when the number of visitors began dwindling, I found myself alone with the baby and our helper (thank God for her) on days when hubby is at work. So far I’ve yet to change a diaper or burp him, let alone carry him because all these things require me to bend down (will probably pass out from the pain) or strain my c section wound as he is 4 plus kg’s now. It doesn’t help that every time I curi-curi  i.e secretly lift him, our helper would magically appear from nowhere, swatting the air and crying out hysterically, “Maam! Don’t carry him maam! You will hurt yourself! I am begging you!”. (Her sister had passed away after a c-section delivery and our helper is super paranoid as she blames her sister’s death on her constantly bending down doing housework and carrying the baby).

Sigh…while it’s nice to have people help with Aidan, I am starting to get a bit restless now as I’m not able to do much and as I said, am quite petrified at the thought of not being able to handle him on my own! And as if that wasn’t scary enough, here’s my list of top 10 other scary things (yes there are way more but let’s keep it to 10 for now)

  1. Aidan makes weird rasping breathing sounds all the time. What if he forgets to breathe? Does he have chest issues? Is it pneumonia? Or asthma? Or bronchitis? His paediatrician says it’s normal but I’m not convinced..
  2. We are trying to get him used to the bottle too and we have been giving him expressed breastmilk in a bottle at least once a day since the beginning, but it is still a dramatic affair every time he drinks from a bottle because he acts (and sounds) like he is drowning! This freaks everybody out.
  3. What if I don’t have enough milk when I go back to work?
  4. He hasn’t done this yet, but what if he cries for no reason? I can deal with it if there’s a reason like he wants a cuddle (which is unlikely ‘cos he hates to be touched, like me lol!), or if he’s hungry or wet, but what if there’s just no reason? What the heck would I do then? He is a super Loud crier – everybody goes into panic mode when he cries ‘cos we all just wanna shut him up…!
  5. What if he’s not happy? All I want more than anything is for him to be happy all the time. Is this unrealistic?
  6. I’m scared of missing out. All we’ve been doing is tip-toeing around in case we wake him or in case we make noises to irritate him (he is quite “frowney” and irritable- like me!) but sometimes time goes by so fast and I feel like all I’ve done is feed him and read a couple of books and the day’s over! I miss him when he was a tiny Dot.
  7. What if I never learn to burp him?
  8. What if I never learn to change him?
  9. What if he prefers the helper over us?
  10. What if he prefers his dad over me?!!

Oh Aidan, as if your mummy wasn’t a nervous Virgo control freak already…you’ve gone and turned my fear-o-meter to maximum!

My hubby on the other hand has taken to fatherhood like a duck to water! Perhaps because he had no choice when I was fully immobilised in the beginning but now I’m so envious of his skills.


Anyway, we are taking Aidan out for the first time tomorrow (our helper is definitely coming with!) but even so I’m getting cold sweats and chills just thinking about it! Wish us luck 🙂

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